What I'm looking for.

It feels so weird to be here now. Profane, like having sex in your childhood room.
Oh well.

His hands slightly shaking. He means to keep it all under control, keep it completely cool, but his pulse betrays him. I can see, in that slight unsteadiness, that despite the distance and the serene face, he is affected by me. He wants me. Enough to make me wait, and oh, I'll wait however long he says.

I'll do any and all the things, to see his hands slightly shaking as they undo a button. To see the smiles.
The wicked smile, when a new, unspeakable idea pops into his mind.
The sadistic smile, rejoicing in the divine pain he knows he's causing, reaffirming the extent of my surrender.
The satisfied smile, as he sees his desires fulfilled.

The smiles he's unaware of, when he sleeps, when he's happy. I saw it the very first night, when I had to force myself to close my eyes, because the vision of him smiling, sleeping next to me was so damn beautiful.

And god damn it, in all my life I have never, ever seen such tenderness anywhere, as there was in the look in his eyes when he managed to get that damn thing in my butt. And hell, I think it's romantic, however weird.

I'll be good for him. I'll be better, I'll be the smartest, the prettiest, the sluttiest and the most devoted. For him.

After all this time, the answer appears without even thinking about it. After all this time, I know what I'm looking for.

pmsing and a tiny bit of bdsm

So your self proclaimed girlfriend has gone insane. On your birthday. Yikes.
You know facebook right? it fucking keeps record of everything man. Every fucking little thing you said to your ugly ex. Like when you called her what you call me now. Isn't that adorable?
Will I be as written off your life in a few months like she is now?
But I'm setting myself a little high here. Because you had quite the conection with this girl, didn't you?
She was obviously a bit on the pervert side, like you, and yes, like myself too. You like that, right?
You sure liked her, didn't you? You gave her a collar. You gave her a fucking collar, didn't you?

I would fucking kill for that. And you've talked about it, you said you wanted to give me one.
Oh man that really sent me through the roof. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. But time keeps passing by, and here I am, collarless.
Maybe I'm not worthy of it. Maybe you think I should try harder. And I kinda agree.
But I'm tired and awfull and about to get my period, see, so I can't really go for it exactly now. I'm sorry.
Fuck I really am. And I'd like to be able to explain that, to be able to ask your forgiveness, but I shouldn't even do that!
You're not my fucking master, hopefully, yet. But how I wish you were.
Every time you let slip that evil little smile, it's just so beautifull, I can't help but wish you'd apply all that nasty thoughts on me.

I don't want to be impatient. I'd wait however long you see fit, if I knew there's the reward of being yours waiting ahead. I just want to know if it's all in my head or if things can really be that way.

bullshit.

I'm ok
You're ok
Everything's fine and I don't mind. No we don't mind.
Everything's great and nothing change.
Just like brother and sister. Only not.

The ingenuity annoy me. How could it possibly be the same?
Everything you said you loved is gone. It can't be.
Now it's weird. And we're not comfortable.
That's not ok.

It is different for you. It is different for me.
I don't want to be your sister.
It doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like this.
If I'm not comfortable, if you are not comfortable.
We can't talk, we can't laugh, we can't joke.
It doesn't work like this.

I just hope it works.
Maybe it'll work just fine. And then in time.
God I hope it works.

I mean, seriously, it's just sex!

escena conyugal.

- Les voy a decir que cuando ellos se estaban tomando el bondi para ir al laburo, yo estaba teniendo sexo.
Me reí mientras lo miraba irse a bañar. Le preparé dos sandwiches de salame y queso, y se fue.
Yo encontré mi remera, me la puse y estuve toda empillamada. Era tan cómoda. Me acosté en su cama de dos plazas ahora toda para mi.
Todo era perfecto, excepto por el dolor de panza y la culpa.

casual.

Note to my dear and darling friends: Sex post. I don't quite know what i'm going to write, but I get the feeling you won't be completely comfortable with it. Just saying.

We are sexual beings. It's a basic need, not 'cause we're gonna die if we don't have sex, but because it is something our bodies ask us. A biological need. But since we don't actually die, we can choose. People choose not to have sex all the time, for whatever reasons. But more importantly, we can choose to have sex.
Well I think that's just great.
And I, I consider myself a very sexual being. I like it, I enjoy it, I think about it, and I like thinking about it.
In the daily life there isn't really much place for it. That's why I was so glad when I finally remember this blog's name. This girl decided to write a sex blog, telling her way of living somewhat dangerously. It's not only sex, thou, and it's also well and funny written. So it turned up to be a very enjoyable reading, and I found myself relating myself to many of the things she said (you know, apart from the obvious age and geography difference).
So it got me thinking about casual sex. Now I know it's good and mostly harmless, but does it get in the way of finding a serious relationship? Maybe, if you want that relationship to be with your sex partner, or already had a relationship with him.. but then again, I find that the most casual sex happens with a person a know and love a lot, but with whom I don't want a serious relationship (or any kind for that matter). When it's someone I barely know, there are all this expectations and nervousness and wanting to do good. I might see a potential lover in him, but what if a also see something else? I wouldn't act the same way if I'm trying to build up a relationship that if I'm trying to get in his pants. Although that seems to be the question of the week.
On the other hand, with someone "I've known forever", I can easily make it just about sex. I mean, he will probably break my heart over lunch, but I'm not thinking about that when i'm riding him. I'm not sad, or mad, or in love, or wish to make him happy. If something, I wanna make him cum.
Anyway, I don't think I really had a conclusion for this one, other than I like this explicit way of writing.
(well, writing, mumbulling, letting the cat walk over the keyboard, whatever)

smiling in the morning.

it's fun to feel young. younger. it makes it interesting.
there's something hot to it. or maybe it's just me.
and soft is good. it's gooood.
and new but strangely familiar. and comfortable. and happy.
and "i know what i'm doing" confident is good. it's gooood.

and the coffee's great.

on the continuity of relationships

i was tourturing myself over my aparent incapacity to put an end to relationships,
when i said hey!
it's true, i don't end things and i let them go on indefinitely, and play dumb..
but why shouldn't i?
i can't think of one good reason for ending it. seriously.
i have fun, they have fun, i'm not hurted, they're not hurted.
and i'm not deseiving anyone.
having a few less hours to sleep and a few "war injuries" is well worth it.
and each one is a particular situation, to which i relate to diffrently.
and i'll stop if i have a reason to. just one single good reason will be enough.
but i'm not gonna be looking for it.
just go with the flow, right honey?

i just hope i don't get too attached where i know i can't get anything else.
hope i'm not being a big fat fool.

troubles.

well the night went horribly wrong, i wanna kill him and he does too.
still we end up at home being "good" to each other, what a hell..
but i'm not thinking bout the boy asleep in my bed, oh no.
i.. feel. my heart's bitting so hard. and i feel.
when look at, when i think of, when i touch..
and it's not good. it's not a possibility.
i keep dreaming off.. i don't know how long i can deny it.
and it is not good.

really, really

just making a record
i'm drunk and happy and it's tree in the afternoon
and i have a goooood boy sleeping in the next room
and i'm talking to long lost friends, who i love and miss
and i actually took iniciative, witch is great
and i'm happy, fucking happy
really truelly happy.

(don't screw it up)

crappy nights.

quite a bad night a had last night.
spent it burning in fever, next to a guy i'm aparentelly i'm still in love with.
(what the hell does that means anyway, right?)
with him saying things i couldn't/wouldn't understand in his sleep, and hugging me tenderly.
after having some same old argument, in wich he of course stated how he doesn't loves me anymore.
after a session of sick-sex.. horribly but (sadly) not unusualy bad sick-sex.
after some nice arguing/proyecting fun over dinner.
after a lovely movie (like everything else, about us)
yeah, it started of really well.
but such a crappy ending.

a very cold next morning.
and i'm guessing nothing's gonna change at all.
good for me, right?
right?